💎 We Are All GEMS: Finding Ourselves in the Journey of Care
By Jen Riggs, Director of Dementia Services, Dementia Family Support
When we talk about Teepa Snow’s GEMS® Model, we often focus on how it helps us understand people living with dementia — how their abilities shift, how their needs change, and how we can meet them with empathy and skill.
But here’s something we rarely stop to consider: caregivers are GEMS too.
Just like the people we care for, we also change moment by moment. Our abilities to stay patient, flexible, and kind fluctuate based on our stress, energy, sleep, and emotions. Some days we shine like a Pearl — calm, connected, and full of grace. Other days, we become sharp like a Diamond or stuck in the fast-moving energy of an Emerald.
Recognizing our own GEMS states isn’t about judgment. It’s about self-awareness — and giving ourselves permission to be human. Because the truth is, dementia caregiver support has to start with understanding ourselves.
💎 Diamond Days — When We Become Too Rigid
When caregivers find themselves in a Diamond state, we tend to hold tightly to how things used to be. We may become rigid, structured, and even controlling without realizing it.
We might catch ourselves thinking, “This isn’t how Dad used to act,” or “I just want things to go back to normal.” That longing comes from love — and grief. When we cling to the past, it’s often because we’re afraid of losing it.
But being too rigid can make the journey harder. When we fight what’s changing, we unintentionally close the door to new ways of connecting. We become focused on correction instead of compassion.
Letting go of Diamond rigidity doesn’t mean giving up; it means opening up. It means allowing today to look different from yesterday — and still finding something beautiful in it.
When you feel yourself becoming sharp or inflexible, pause and breathe. Remind yourself that both you and your loved one are doing your best in a situation neither of you chose.
💚 Emerald Moments — When We Push Too Hard
The Emerald state can sneak up on even the most experienced caregiver. It shows up when we’re tired, overworked, or simply trying to get through a busy day.
We start rushing — moving from one task to the next, trying to keep up with all the needs, appointments, and changes. We want things to move forward, but dementia doesn’t always follow our timeline.
When we move too fast, we forget to pause, re-approach, and breathe. We start to push instead of guide. We use logic when empathy would work better. And suddenly, both we and our loved one are frustrated.
In Emerald moments, it helps to slow down and ask, “What would happen if I gave this moment more space?”
Time is often the best tool we have. When we take a step back and allow the person to process, we find that patience opens doors that pressure never could.
This is where true dementia caregiver support lives — in the quiet space between intention and reaction.
🧡 Amber Feelings — When We Lose Perspective
The Amber state is when we’re stuck in the moment — reacting to what’s happening right now, forgetting that dementia is a journey, not a single day.
We all end up here at times. Maybe you’ve had a sleepless night or a long string of hard days. Maybe your loved one’s behavior has changed, and you’re emotionally exhausted. You might find yourself thinking, “I just can’t do this anymore.”
Amber moments are about survival. We’re so focused on making it through the next hour that we forget to look at the bigger picture. We stop remembering that this stage — like every stage — will change again.
When you feel trapped in the Amber state, try to pull back for just a second. Remind yourself that this, too, is temporary. Someday you will miss even this version of the journey because it meant your loved one was still here.
Gratitude and grief often live side by side in caregiving. Amber moments remind us to hold both at once.
❤️ Ruby Reflections — When We Run on Habit
In the Ruby state, we operate on autopilot. We know what needs to be done, and we do it — sometimes without thinking about whether it’s still what’s best.
We might use the same words, routines, or tone of voice because they worked once, even if they don’t anymore. We may start to feel numb — capable but disconnected.
This can happen when we’re running low on energy or when caregiving has taken over every part of our identity. We’re functioning, but not flourishing.
When you realize you’re in Ruby, it’s a sign to slow down and reconnect — with your loved one and with yourself.
Add back one small act of intention: play a favorite song, take a walk together, hold their hand. It’s not about doing more; it’s about doing one thing with meaning. That small shift can reignite a sense of connection and purpose that habits alone can’t sustain.
🤍 Pearl Presence — When We See the Soul
The Pearl state is the rare and precious place where caregivers see beyond the disease and connect deeply with the soul of the person they love.
In Pearl, we understand that this time together is borrowed — fragile and sacred. We know that every laugh, every gentle touch, and every quiet moment matters.
When you are in Pearl, you stop trying to fix, and start simply being. You accept what is, without letting go of hope or heart. You find beauty in stillness and grace in imperfection.
The Pearl state doesn’t come easily — it comes through growth, grief, and grace. But when we reach it, we rediscover peace in the midst of loss.
Pearl caregiving isn’t about doing everything right; it’s about seeing the person beneath the dementia and honoring their humanity to the very end.
💬 The Caregiver’s GEMS Journey
What I love most about the GEMS model is that it applies to all of us. People living with dementia change moment to moment — and so do we.
Some days, we sparkle. Other days, we dull. And that’s okay.
Understanding your own GEMS state helps you meet yourself with compassion. It allows you to recognize when you need rest, support, or simply a breath of fresh air. It reminds you that caregiving isn’t a test of perfection — it’s an act of love that requires constant adaptation.
True dementia caregiver support is not just about learning new care techniques. It’s about learning to forgive yourself when the day doesn’t go as planned — and trying again tomorrow with a little more kindness toward yourself.
💜 Finding Balance and Grace with Dementia Family Support
At Dementia Family Support (DFS), we see caregivers as the heart of every care relationship. You are the steady rhythm that keeps each day moving forward, even when things feel unpredictable or overwhelming.
That’s why we focus not only on educating caregivers about dementia — but also on supporting the person behind the role.
Through workshops, private consultations, and our signature training sessions, DFS helps families and professionals learn to:
- Recognize their own GEMS states and stress patterns
- Communicate using Positive Approach to Care (PAC) methods
- Build routines that bring calm and connection
- Find joy in small, meaningful moments
- Restore balance, purpose, and emotional well-being
We believe that when caregivers feel supported, everyone shines a little brighter.
✨ Final Thoughts
We are all GEMS — constantly changing, evolving, and revealing new strengths as life tests us. Some days we’re Diamonds, holding tight to control. Other days we’re Emeralds, moving too fast, or Rubies, going through the motions. And sometimes, we’re Pearls — calm, centered, and beautifully present.
The goal isn’t to stay in one state. It’s to recognize where you are and give yourself permission to shift — to rest, reset, and reconnect.
If you’re feeling worn, rushed, or unsure how to bring peace back into your caregiving, Dementia Family Support is here to help.
Visit www.dementiafamilysupport.org to explore upcoming workshops, family education sessions, and personalized support options.
Because the more we understand our own GEMS, the better we can care for the GEMS we love.
You are a GEM — shining through change, growing through challenge, and giving love its truest form.
